Monday, April 23, 2007

Three squares a day has a whole new meaning.

I like trees. They're pretty. I don't hug them, but I'm planning to add a few to my yard.

I don't litter

I eat a lot of veggies, though I'm far from being a vegetarian.

I already prefer local produce, when I can get it. It is generally fresher.

I'll buy organic if it is cheaper and/or tastes better.

I avoid processed foods.

I own a high efficiency washer and dryer.

I minimize my energy consumption, if only to keep expenses down.

I recycle when I can.

I re-use plastic bags and containers whenever possible.

I have been known to use biodegradable laundry detergent and compact fluorescent light bulbs.

I'm even willing to consider using fabric napkins now and then.

But you'll never see me rationing toilet paper to one square at a time.

(Which is, incidentally, why I don't own a low-flow toilet. One square is about all those monstrosities can handle.)

Sorry, Sheryl. Keep your bus out of my bathroom and off of my backside.

If you don't like it, you can buy some carbon offsets for me and plant a few extra trees.


And Sheryl, just in case you didn't already know, even Dave Barry thinks you've gone overboard here.

And the favorite headline award goes to:
"Sheryl Crow wipes away global warming."

Update: Michelle, for the benefit of all humankind, has put her top-notch engineering degree to use and crunched the numbers to see if the one square idea will work. Even if you only have the physics knowledge of a hamster and the sense of humor of an IRS tax agent, you HAVE to read this.
Update Again: Sheryl says she was just kidding! Of course. Other than rehab, this is the most widely used butt-protection method for celebs and others that put their feet in their mouths in a public way. It's what Amanda Marcotte said after her anti-catholic blogging got her in trouble with the public. It's also what John Kerry said when he insulted the intelligence of our troops (though allegedly he just meant to target their commander in chief--oopsie! Botched joke!). As with the other two cases, I have a hard time believing the "just kidding" excuse. Her other suggestion (listed second in her post) of using fabric napkins sounded perfectly serious to me (being a bit more practical than the one square of toilet paper). Maybe it's just me, but if a ridiculous suggestion is followed by something serious, I tend to assume the absurd bit is serious too.

So, Sheryl, as a trained English teacher, who knows a little something of composition and rhetoric, I'll provide you with a free tip: Save your most profound point for LATER in your writing. Start with the serious and work your way up to the satirical. The punchline comes at the END of the joke, not at the beginning. Please take this into consideration. Or stick to singing.


Michelle said...

Perhaps Sheryl took it as a personal challenge to practice what she preaches. If this is the case, I applaud her for doing her part and accordingly changing her mind. I hope she doesn't take it too personal if I don't shake hands.

Tito said...

Sheryl is a poor tool of the ecological0environmentalist radicals.

'Nuff sed.